Monday, October 14, 2013

I am thankful for surfers, carnies, family and my spiritual community.

Hearts don't break. They just get resized.
“You happy Mama?” Kate asked me.

She had just opened the office door to find me crying. She had never seen this before … not like this.

I picked her up and held her close and said, “Yes Sweetheart, I am happy.”

And it was the truth.

I had taken the risk. What I thought would surely break me did not.

That Thursday afternoon I had heard a No, a no that I had been dreading my whole life. In fact I was so certain that hearing a “no” would destroy me that I had never dared put myself out there.

From Thursday afternoon on I was numb. By Friday I was a sloppy crying mess. By Saturday I was raging mad … my husband will confirm this. I joked that I was going through the steps of grieving quite quickly as I was already on anger.

But once I let the anger drop and I got the tears out everything got quiet.

I walked down to the trail, got my feet in the dirt, smelled the sage brush and watched the surf. Nearby on the beach a family with young children started to include Kate and I in their play. We looked at sea slugs, sand crabs and the Mom and I discussed music and kindergarten.

A pretty young girl surfer invited Kate to make a sandcastle with her. Her boyfriend joined them and they giggled as they played family in the sand. I watched the set waves come in. It was a great show.

That afternoon I went to the Carnival with Kate and my Mother-in Love to see our Fab 3 sing the Metaphyscial Hits of The Beatles. We watched Kate laugh and giggle on the rides. We both laughed and smiled. Kate’s joy was infectious and it filled me with gratitude for the love that surrounds us both.

I reached out to my community. I was in pain. I decided to try something new. The support swooped in like magic reminding me of the truth. It didn't make me feel weak. It made me feel supported and loved. By reaching out I created space to let in the support that has been surrounding me all along.

I will probably still cry about this but my tears will be of love and not regret. It feels a lot different.

"Don't fear the night time cause the monsters know that you're Divine." 
~ Michael Franti & Spearhead "Never Too Late"