In fact, if I am honest with myself in my twenties and even my thirties, I held the point of view that everything in my life would be great, if only my husband would change. The curious part of this is that it was with two different husbands and I still didn't get the obvious point that the only common denominator was me.
Being on a spiritual path requires self honesty and self awareness. Neither of which are easy nor natural. I had to pay attention to my thinking, to my deeply held convictions. What I started to realize is that by trying to "fix" the person closest to me, I could deflect my own challenges. At first I felt overwhelmed. I realized that my thinking had been negative for so long that it seemed impossible to change my mind. Then one of my teachers pointed out that I had been thinking a certain way for years, if it were a family belief then likely, I had had those beliefs since birth. She asked me if dedicating a few months or years to changing those patterns would be a worthwhile pursuit. Of course, I knew it would be.
One of the things that I came to more fully understand was my need to have a perfect partner stemmed from my crippling, invisible belief that I was essentially unlovable. With that deep belief motivating all actions and reactions, I had a great need to hide, to be the least visible person in a relationship.
I remember the first time I was called on this B.S. (Belief System.) I was taking a weekend intensive seminar called On Course, led by Michael and Paulette Sun. There was a time of sharing at which time Michael or Paulette would help the person process their mistaken beliefs to get to the Spiritual Truth. It was a deeply moving experience. You could actually see people become lighter and more beautiful as the evening progressed.
Then it was my turn. Michael noticed that I had been able to see the precious goodness in each person. I agreed. He then said, "But you don't really believe that that God Presence is in you, do you?" Tearfully I admitted that he was right. Then he said the most shocking thing! He said, "Do you know how incredibly arrogant for you to believe that you have the ability to stop the Universe from being Itself in you even though it is in everyone else?" I stopped sobbing and listened. My shoulders relaxed and I awoke to my spiritual magnificence. Yes, I still more easily see it in other people, but truly it is in me too!
It is a damn lie to believe that you are perfect and another person is not. We are all perfect spiritual beings having a human experience and learning to live from an awareness of our perfection. We need to remember that we are each other's reflections. At least that's the way I see it.