My Relationship with my Mother

I have many ideas vying for attention when it comes to my relationship with my mother. I will share some of my memories with you.

When I was two or three, mom was reading the story "Bambi" to my older sister, Kathryn, who would have been seven or eight. When it came to the part of Bambi's mother being shot by the hunter, mom was concerned that Kathryn would be upset. She wasn't, I was. Big tears were running down my cheeks. When asked why I was crying I said, I was crying for Bambi's mother. I was likely crying for fear that something bad would happen to my own mommy.

When I was school-aged, I was a very fussy eater. My mom was having a battle of wills with me over some horrid dish containing onions. It was lunch and she said I had to sit there until I ate it. I was very late for school.

What I remember after that, is that mom often tried to hide onions in my food, but I was very certain that they were evil and would not eat them. My sister wouldn't eat liver. My brothers didn't eat most vegetables. I remember Mom cooking six different meals for us! Was it love or did she just give up? 

Lela Clark holding brothers John and Gerald

Lela & Gordon Clark holding sister Kathryn

Clark Family 1954

When I was a teenager, the battle of the wills intensified about almost everything. Boys. Clothes. Life. Smoking.  She would yell at me and I would yell right back. I often said hateful words about how I didn't fit with this family, I hated her, etc. I am so sorry Mom for the way I treated you then.

When I was ready to go to university, she sewed four or five magnificent outfits for me. They were very stylish and I loved those clothes. At the same time, in her own closet, the newest garment was over ten years old! I appreciate you Mom.

Mom always took my side, even when I wasn't right. She assumed that the other person must be in the wrong. She was always very loyal to our family.

She was always very good with babies and sometimes good with little children. The battle of wills continued through many generations. When one of my nephews didn't want to wear shoes, and she thought he should wear shoes, there was a great deal of screaming and crying... and usually she won.

Over the years there are so many things that I have come to appreciate about Mom. She is a wonderful athlete as evidenced by all the trophies she won for curling and later for shuffleboard. 

Lela doing a back bend

Some of Lela's trophies

She had amazing flexibility. She could do many yoga poses such as the back bend and plow well into her seventies. 

This costume won first prize

Lela Clark, my mom, is also one of the most creative people I have ever met. She loved to design and make costumes whether it was for us as children for Halloween or whether it was for herself and her team-mates for a curling bonspeil. When I was a teacher, I would often borrow her latest costumes to wear at Halloween. No pattern, just an idea, and voila...there it was.

There are lots of painful memories I could write because that is how it is with mothers and daughters. But Sunday is Mothers' Day and I will stick to the happy memories.

I love you, Mom and I am grateful that you are my mother.

Easter

"What are you doing for Easter?" is a question I have heard often lately. It usually means are you making dinner or celebrating with family and friends.

But it is a great question to cause us to look at the meaning of Easter and what it can mean to us today .

No matter what the sacred event, if we cannot use something about it for our own spiritual growth, it is pointless. Even the Resurrection!

If we celebrate Jesus' resurrection as a miracle, we have made Jesus the great exception. Everything he taught his followers was that they too could do what he did. He was teaching them a way of perceiving life, of thinking about life and of living life.

Ernest Holmes reminds us that we will not be immortal when we die, but that we are immortal right now. The Truth of us is infinite and eternal. As spiritual beings, our essence is invisible.

On our way to church Easter 1956

What are your memories of Easter? What I remember the most is the new clothes that we got to wear to church. Sometimes there was even a new hat to complete the outfit. Of course, we spent Saturday decorating the boiled eggs that would be hidden for us to find on Easter morning. It wasn't until later in my childhood we had chocolate bunnies as a treat.

I used to think that symbolically Jesus was in the egg. But it didn't make sense because he was supposed to have come out of the tomb alive not hard-boiled. I was happy to learn that eggs and bunnies don't have anything to do with Jesus' resurrection, but rather with a ancient spring holiday honoring the goddess, Eostre, which celebrated fertility...hens and bunnies were the right match.

I also remember as a 12-year old how painful was Jesus death to me. I thought since he was God, he could easily have avoided the whole crucifixion thing. But never-the-less I felt very guilty and sad for killing God's son. I was glad that he lived!

I now know that you and I were born innocent. I have renounced a belief in sin, evil and guilt.

 I do think the Easter activities are fun and many can be meaningful.

Like the ancient pagans, I believe the story is one of transformation, renewal, immortality and new life. I believe we can learn much from both stories.

So when I am asked what am I doing for Easter, I remind myself that what I am doing first is turning within to connect with the Eternal Presence. I remind myself to practice transformation and watch myself grow.

What are you doing for Easter? 

Swing Time Cabaret Brings Sweet Memories

Tonight our Center's Choir is presenting their annual choir show, Swing Time Cabaret.

I watched the dress rehearsal last night and it is a great show! I realized that with the exception of a Spanish song, I knew the lyrics to all the songs. Some have been great favorites. The choir planned to surprise me with one some, "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" made famous by the Sons of the Pioneers. The reason I like the song so much is because of the beauty of the three-part harmony!

When I was a kid, there were always sing-alongs, whether travelling by car or around a campfire or a piano. My dad had a good tenor voice and loved to sing. My mom had a strong alto voice.Many of my cousins and sisters and brothers are quite talented too. When we were young adults and were getting married, at family gatherings, after the dance there would be a lot of singing. That is really when my passion for the tumbleweeds began. My cousin's husband, and her two brothers sang beautifully together. They almost always would say yes to my request. Please note we would have been singing some standards but mostly current rock and roll music. Although my prairie roots led me to have direct knowledge of tumbleweeds (they are very prickly), country music wasn't a favorite. I was very fond of my cousins and saw them a few times a year. After university, we saw each other less often, usually at a family gathering -- weddings and funerals. One of the trio of singers is a man named after my Grandfather, Herman, but was only ever called Buddy. Later as an older teen it shifted to Bud.

The entire show is fantastic, everyone needs a lot of love for the countless hours they put into learning their music and choreography. Still the highlight of the show for me was a soul-filled song, sung by Diane King Vann, called "My Buddy." Immediately my cousin's face was before me. We haven't connected in person for much too long. The music made me realize how much I missed seeing him.

Isn't it interesting how music can evoke something deep within us? Sometimes it evokes a memory of the first time you heard it; at others the song itself seems to describe a person or a feeling within you. I believe it is one way the Universal Presence makes Itself known to us. When our hearts open by whatever means, it is Spirit within us, opening to a greater idea of life and ourselves.

Tickets will be available at the door.

What is the Divine Masculine?

Sunday is Fathers Day. It is a day to honor our dads. My intention is to honor men -- God knows they have had their fair share of  ragging on, dismissing, distrust and jokes about their unworthiness, their lack of compassion or their brutality. Yes, there are some brutes out there! I will concede that point, but there are so many good men too. As I was researching the Divine Masculine (which is part of both women and men) I realized that even the men that scare me have redeeming qualities. And maybe being scared isn't all it's cracked up to be! The six archetypes of the Divine Masculine are God, King, Sage, Lover, Warrior, and Priest. We all can develop these qualities.  The Divine Masculine is the part of us that chooses, initiates, causes things to happen. It is a very important part of our spiritual make-up.

Lela & Gordon Clark, and Neil & Geraldine Burrell

What I really want to write about is my father, Gordon Douglas Clark. Most readers of this blog may not have met him.  He made his transition twenty years ago, but continues to influence my life today. It has been said that our parents' job is to develop both roots and wings in their children. Roots so they will remember what is important and wings so they can look after themselves. 

Dad was the youngest child in a family of three boys; the oldest became a geo-physicist, the second a dentist and my dad was a teacher. These men loved ideas and when they were together there would be  much laughter, not joke telling as much as story-telling about themselves and their friends. They all loved language and were always quipping and playing with concepts. 

Dad also loved to sing. One of the highlights of my childhood was family car  trips because the whole family would sing for hours. Later when I learned to play piano, I learned those old standards that the family loved to sing. Then finally, when dad's Alzheimers' had robbed him of his quick wit and logical thinking, I made a cassette tape for him that contained all the old standards that he loved to sing -- "Let me Call You Sweetheart," "Side by Side" and dozens of others. Although I lived nine hours away, I could participate in our family sing-alongs. My sister would take it to the care facility and they would enjoy an evening of singing.

He was a very good dancer, but I could never follow him!

Gordon & Lela dancing

I have many favorite memories of my dad but the one that is heaviest on my heart today, is getting a letter from him offering me support when I was nursing a broken heart; it seemed to me that I was often feeling abandoned and rejected by the ones I loved. Dad wrote the sweetest note, quoting Tennyson, "Tis better to have loved and lost/ Than never to have loved at all." I was in my thirties then and I had not expected that kind of kindness and love. I guess I had expected outer voices to match my inner tormenter, who was yelling at me for choosing such a scoundrel in the first place.

There are so many stories I could share about my dad. He passed twenty years ago this August. I miss him still. So much of who I am came from my dad.

What are your special memories about your father?

My family 1979

My family 1991

My family 1961