Compassion and Connection

The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another." Thomas Merton

This video is the Charter for Compassion and is beautiful to see all the different  ages cultures and regions represented.

It is the golden thread of truth running through all religions to care for others. In our journal today, we are encouraged to connect when we are feeling ashamed or defeated. Brene Brown, the current researcher on shame states that we must stop trying to be perfect. She further encourages us to stop trying to hide our imperfections from our loved ones but rather to have the courage to tell the truth about our experience to someone whom we can trust. Please reach out if you are feeling discouraged or alone. I would love to be of service as would all our ministerial staff and practitioners.

If you would like to be more compassionate, watch the following video, in which Jason Silva shows how we are hard-wired for compassion. He shows six-month old babies responding with compassion. He also shows us how we can increase our compassionate responses.

I trust that you will enjoy.

The Gifts of Imperfection

What is real self worth? I am thinking about real self worth and how sometimes we don't feel very good about ourselves. Usually when I don't feel good about myself it is because I have judged myself harshly for making a mistake. Our Prosperity Plus Class is small and we all know each other since we have been together for seven weeks. This week I spent the whole evening calling one of the women students by the wrong name! We even had a lovely conversation about her family during our break. At the end of the class, when we said goodnight, both her boyfriend and another student corrected me. I felt really bad about myself. That evening and for the next few days the inner critic was berating me harshly. It was nonstop. What kind of teacher was I? What kind of person was I? The message I was giving myself was I am not enough. This is a spiritual lie. I made a mistake. People make mistakes dozens of times a day, especially if they are living in creativity and spontaneity.

Brene Brown says we are hard-wired to experience love and connection. I agree. It is the Spiritual Truth. The essence that we are is Love. Love seeks love and nothing else.

Yet when we seek to perform, perfect and please, we will do the opposite of connect. We will keep our distance. It is hard for a minister to give up trying to please everyone because the nature of our jobs is to provide spiritual resources to everyone who seeks them. However, trying to please everyone is a self-defeating, impossible task. My colleagues and I need to be true to ourselves so we can model for our members and friends the true grace and love that flows when we realize that we cannot please everyone, and begin to make choices that please ourselves.

One of my close friends says when there is a situation that might be uncomfortable, she puts on her mental and emotional armor and off she goes. I imagine, with head held high and heart and mind well-protected, like a knight from King Arthur's court. It has been a strategy that she has used successfully in the corporate environment. Another one of my friends says he has no armor. It is REALLY TRUE. His heart is open and he is vulnerable at all times. Often he is the first to weep in times of grief but also in times of joy and celebration. With him, I always feel comfortable telling the whole truth.

When I truly accept my imperfection or mistakes, go a step further and share that with someone, then I begin to feel joy and freedom, instead of feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.

One of the ways you can check to see if you are choosing perfectionism, pleasing and performing over authenticity, check how often you say "yes" to something when you would rather have said "no." Too often we say "yes" when we mean "no" and we say "no" to things that would really make our hearts sing with a resounding "yes."

Here is something we can practice together. When you are asked to do something, take your time and ask yourself do I really want to do this? Or am I going to say "yes" out of a sense of obligation? Brown says: "Choose discomfort over resentment."

The gifts of imperfection are many and include more joy, more freedom, vibrant health, felling vitally alive and connection to the ones you love.

And So It Is! 

Parenting with the Power of I AM

I send my kids into the world equipped with self-worth and shame-resilience.

Early in my parenting role, I had the opportunity to take Science of Mind classes at the Center. In class, Dr. Heather made the power of I AM abundantly clear, explaining that when we refer to the I AM we are talking about our Self, the "Self" in self worth. Yes, it's true! We are building our mind's belief about who we really are. So anytime we state "I AM" and then put words like...tired, wrong, bad, stupid, lazy, fat...behind it we are defining our self concept.

That made so much sense to me and I immediately became more conscious and mindful about how I defined myself and others. In our home, we outlawed words like stupid and dumb. And, I recognized that "you are" is just as powerful as "I am" especially coming from a parent.

Fast forward about 10 years.

Those who follow the blog know I'm reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. In Daring Greatly, she has a chapter on wholehearted parenting and talks about raising shame-resilient children. On page 225 she tells a story about her daughter Ellen and an experience she had at school that offered me a perfect example.

When Ellen was in Kindergarten, her teacher called me at home one afternoon and said, "I totally get what you do now."

When I asked her why, she said that earlier in the week, she had looked over at Ellen, who was in the "Glitter Center" and said, "Ellen! You're a mess." Apparently Ellen got a very serious look on her face and said, "I may be making a mess, but I'm not a mess."

AHA! Now I must admit, even though I understood the power of I AM and redirected my children based on action not character, I never really quite got the rephrasing until now. Reading this was a powerful moment for me.

Do you see the difference? It moves our thinking from defining ourselves or our children, to creating a changeable moment. So, for instance, instead of staying "I am wrong" we could change it to "I said the wrong thing" or "I made the wrong choice." I AM still lovable, worthy, good, right, whole, but sometimes I do things that I can change.

Even though I didn't totally "get" the rephrasing as clearly as I do now, I did choose to bring my family to the Center every Sunday. And Rev. Pattie bases the youth program around recognizing God qualities and speaking them with "I AM" statements like I am...joy, power, love, peace, abundance; the real truth of who they are.

My children might encounter shame-based interactions out in the world, but in those moments, I want them to respond like Ellen did and know "That's not the truth of me! I am Magnificent! I am Perfect!"

Just in case you've forgotten your magnificence, here's Jami Lula to remind you!


Was reading this an AHA moment for you? Are you reading Daring Greatly? Did Jami Lula's song remind you? I would love to know what you took away from this post or the book. Join the conversation in the comments.

Finding Self Worth in the Process, not the Product

In preschool and in life, the value is in the process.

When my daughter started preschool, her teacher reminded parents nearly every day, "Process,  not product" with regard to art projects. So, she brought home messy, random, child-created art, rather than in-the-lines colored rainbows or perfectly glued collages. The preschool teacher explained that each art project was a lesson that built fine motor skills, hand-eye coordination, social skills and much, much more. The process developed the child, the creation was simply a by-product. It really didn't matter what the child created. What mattered was that she created something and everything was worthy of refrigerator acclaim because it represented her authentic effort.

Recently, while reading Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly, the process-not-product mantra returned to my consciousness. In her book, she explains that we've become a culture that attaches our self worth to the things we produce: the perfectly written email, the flawlessly composed photograph, or an A-student child. Brown continues to explain that when someone disagrees with the email, our photo only gets 2 likes on Facebook or the perfect child struggles, our self worth suffers. We think we are unworthy of love, that we failed as an employee, an artist, a parent, a person. We give up, hide or place blame for the failure. This chapter stopped me cold. I thought about it for days. I realized I do that! And I wondered, how do I stop? How do I own my self worth again? How do I continue to feel valued and loved, even when I fail?

Process, Not Product!!

I realized it's the creation process that is the reason for being regardless of what's created. And, I can choose to change my inner dialog when not-good-enough starts playing in my head and remind myself what's really true about me. If something is not well received, is it ME that's being rejected or just some piece of paper or digital blurb? This realization allowed me to recognize and separate my Self (the self that is God essence, always perfect and always lovable) from the product (the things outside myself, the material.) When I value the process, I value the person who showed up (me) and had the courage to create and share.

While meditating on this concept, I pictured myself as a small child who had never written an email, composed a photo or parented daughters. That small child was loved just because she was born. Even though I've grown up, I'm still loved just because I'm here, living, loving and expressing in this world. Recognizing that is an act of self love.

Are you loving yourself just because you showed up today? Can you let go of your attachment to the things you produce and simply find value and worth in the process? Can you say, "My Being is much bigger than anything I produce?" Join the conversation in the comments!

Vulnerability a Spiritual Practice?

I was having a conversation today with a friend/acquaintance about vulnerabilities that we both had.  In sharing each of our most vulnerable moments/fears in life, we realized how much we had in common.

It became a connector for us.  Both afraid to express our vulnerabilities, yet finding that they were the very link between us that will allow us to expand our friendship.  It was an eye-opener for both of us.

I was reminded of this Brene Brown TED Talk and thought it broaches an interesting question:  Is vulnerability a spiritual practice?